Lesbian Gropings Rise in Philadelphia, Still Nonexistent at WHS
In a report in the Sunday Inquirer, Philadelphia School District reported a large rise in straight-lesbian confrontations, as well as public displays of lesbian affection, within its high schools. However, Philadelphia suburbs reported zero incidents in the same period. While WHS administrators cheered the report, many male students were dissapointed by it. "Those Philly guys are so lucky," one jealous student commented. "They have a full gang of lesbians! What do we have? SAGA? Tolerance is all good, but it's not as exciting to watch." Other students failed to comprehend the problem. Said one, "So the lesbians make out. Then they fight straight girls at school. Why is this a bad thing?" WHS administrators remained firm in their stand, however. In a memo released over WTV, the principal assured parents that only heterosexual groping would be allowed in hallways.
State Senator Rick Santorum, when informed of the situation, attempted to put a moral perspective on the situation: "This isn't about freedom of expression. This about the sanctity of marriage. For the sake of the moral well-being of our society, making out between classes must be a privilege reserved for heterosexual couples only."