Airplane Depressionitis Epidemic Set to Peak Friday
Doctors performing check-ups at the WHS Health Fair on Thursday said afterwards that a "shocking number of students" had shown symptoms of "airplane depressionitis," a contagious, but usually silent disease that strikes people who have been deprived of an airplane flight for an extended period of time. The only known cure for the disease is a long flight to a relaxing vacation location, preferably during a school day. "It's very unusual," one doctor commented. "There is typically an increase in cases around spring break, but we've never seen such a large number of students infected at one time."
Faculty statisticians also added their input. "In terms of sheer probability, this is next to impossible. The quadratic regression model simply doesn't work," said one math teacher. A local chemistry teacher added, "To figure this out, we'd need a circular slide rule with a probability scale bigger than the one in my garage. And that's pretty big."
Some of the physicians attributed the epidemic to WHS's unusual policy of refusing excused absenses on half-days before holidays. "Extensive paperwork or annoying administration officials are known to induce symptoms of the disease," said one.