Mr. Drieger: 'Actually, I've never left Ambler'

The famous substitute Mr. Drieger admitted in a shocking statement yesterday that all his fabulous adventures were, in fact, false. During 3rd Period last Wednesday, he confessed, "I'm sorry to disappoint you all, dear friends, but there's no such thing as an ice worm. I never saw the bombing of Hiroshima. I haven't served in the war of 1812. I've just been subbing in this same school for 40 YEARS!" Even his eagle scout badge was fake. "This string tie? I just picked it up off some street bum." Mr. Drieger also admitted that his true age was 83, thus making it impossible for him to have actually signed the Constitution, viewed Jesus' crucifixion, or killed a Stegosaurus.
The admission came as quite a shock to many students in the high school. "I always thought Mr. Drieger was the best soldier this United States ever had," one student remarked, "but I guess he's really just some generic old guy."