Students plan day-long jacket-wearing to protest school temperature
A group of ten students declared Thursday that they would be holding a protest against the freezing temperatures in school hallways sometime next month by wearing their jackets for the entire school day. "Too long have we endured the bitter cold as we trudge from classroom to classroom! We must put a stop to this!" the group's leader declared. "I call on every student to wear his or her full winter jacket to school on a soon to be annouced date. " Most students seemed receptive to the idea. "Spending four minutes in 40 degree weather as we run from class to class? That's practically enough to cause hypothermia!" one student commented. "I know jackets are supposed to be illegal in class, but would any teacher have the heart to stop me from being warm?" Administration officials were ambivalent at best. A boiler room custodial assistant commented, "So they're going to wear jackets. Who cares?"
Some students fear that the day long protest may needlessly showcase the economic situations of students. Said one concerned student, "if one student's struting around in a nice Gore-Tex parka, and another kid is wearing some hand-me-down WMS hoodie, how is that going to make the poorer student feel? Surely there is a better way."

Editor's Note: The "Finals Week" poll comes to an end, and it looks like students' study habits are just as bad as expected - 45% said "sleeping on textbook" was their favorite way to study for finals. A distant 2nd and 3rd, with 21% and 19% respectively, were "Typing textbook on calculator" and "Watching PBS specials."

Science Department overlaps gym and lab day to encourage student cloning
When some students received their second semester schedule yesterday, they noticed something shocking: their lab and gym days were the same. A and D days had nothing scheduled, but B and E had both lab and gym scheduled for the exact same period. Some students went to the guidance department in search of help. However, the answer they discovered there was certainly not what they expected - the overlapping was intentional. It was an attempt by the science department to encourage star students to clone or otherwise duplicate themselves to allow them to attend two classes at once.
"It's a problem we've encountered since what seems like the beginning of time," a chemistry teacher said. "There just never seems to be enough class periods around for our gifted students to take all the classes that they should. We figured we'd pass the problem onto the students, who should easily be able to figure out how to clone themselves using their advanced chemistry knowledge." "It's just an issue of motivation," another teacher continued. "I'm sure many students have already figured out the secret to cloning, but just didn't have a reason to follow through on it. The prospect of class-cutting Saturday detentions for the rest of the semester will surely provide that extra push."

MLK day shows students just as self-centered as usual
Last Monday marked another anniversary of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday. Many responsible citizens spend the day in service to their fellowman. However, much of the WHS student body seems to have ignored the call for altruism. Despite strong exhortations from teachers and societal leaders, most students spent their day off on Monday doing their usual self-centered activities. Shopping, video game playing, and thumb-twiddling were some of the most popular activities to occupy students' time. Remarked one student, "I don't even know what altruism is! How the heck am I supposed to practice it?" Another continued, "Soup kitchens can serve themselves. Level 15 of Snowcraft is more important." Even some teachers ignored the call. "Do you know how much effort it takes to scan in 100 final scantrons? I needed a day of rest!" said one teacher. Some students, however, still attempted to compsensate for their lack of service through education. As one TV-watcher put it, "I know I didn't go out and actually help anyone today. But I did watch the PBS special on MLK. I think that's the next best thing."

Students raid cafeteria following denial of lunch on Mid-Terms day
Thursday, January 15 was an unusual day from the beginning. Following a two hour delay due to inclement weather, WHS was forced to conduct its mid-term exams from 9:45 - 1 instead of from 7:45-11. While the rescheduling was a laudable attempt by the administration to accommodate the weather with the least disruption possible to the normal schedule, the plan had one critical oversight: it forced students to go without food from 11-1, their primary lunch eating hours.
It appears that some students couldn't cope with the hunger pangs during their second final. 25 students from various 10th grade academic social studies classes reported left their rooms midway through their exam, forcefully entered the cafeteria, and gorged themselves on various left-overs from Wednesday's lunches.
"I just couldn't take it anymore!" one hungry student expressed while chewing on a frozen chicken drumstick. "I keep reading about China and I kept thinking of chicken. Finally the urge just overcame me." Another student echoed his sentiments. "Who cares about Mesopotamia? I want meatballs!"
Cafeteria ladies, responding as a squad to the incident, were easily able to subdue the revilers. The Cafeteria Chief assured the public that no mercy would be shown for the violent incident. She said, "All the other 1000+ students in the school were able to cope with a late lunch hour. These students have no excuse for their actions."
The Cafeteria is expected to be cleaned and ready for use Monday, with no consequences for other students. However, the cafeteria has had to make one adjustment to compensate for lost food supplies: all prices will be raised another 25 cents.

Editor's Note: The Holiday Poll has come to a close. The results show that 34% of readers made up their entire PJAS experiment. Another 21% are in academic and have no idea what it is. The editor is disappointed, but not surprised. Readers are encouraged to redeem their moral and cognitive standing by voting in this week's poll.

Skipping day after mid-terms declared "double unexcused" by WHS Administration
In an attempt to discourage students from cutting the day after mid-terms, widely acknowledged by teachers and students to be a waste of time, the WHS attendance staff has declared any absence on that day to be "double unexcused." Said an office secretary, "Not attending school on the 16th will incur a 'double unexcused' - requiring the offending student to attend two days for the one day missed. Further consecutive absences will lead to 'triple unexcused,' 'quadruple unexcused,' and finally 'just-repeat-the-grade unexcused.'" Students are reminded that ALL absences will merit this punishment - there are no "excused absences" on Friday. Vacations, sickness, family emergencies, and personal death are not acceptable reasons. A memo from Assistant Principal Madden summarized the policy: "High attendance is necessary on Friday to meet our federal achievement goals. Drag you body in here (no matter what it's biological state) if you want to avoid severe penalties."

Editor's Note: The following is actually a true article. The subject matter certainly would have made a good satire piece, but the editor was considering sending it to the Ambler Gazette, and as such, facts were actually relevant.

To the Editor:

Does Dr. Durtan have something against South Dakota? His recent comments seem to indicate this. In last week’s Gazette, Dr. Durtan was interviewed in the story “Curriculum will be focus at Wissahickon for coming year” regarding Wissahickon School District’s efforts to comply with the new federal legislation requiring all teachers to be “highly qualified.” He is quoted as saying that “We’re going to be able to comply with that since we have a large pool of potential teachers in our area. How central Pennsylvania or South Dakota is going to comply, I don’t know.”
However, Dr. Durtan seems to have some gross misconceptions about the state of education in rural areas, particularly South Dakota. Rural communities are often more devoted to public education than their suburban counterparts, especially in the areas of qualified staff and technology investment. In fact, six South Dakota teachers recently received the National Board Certification, their profession’s top honor. The state also has a comprehensive plan in place to get all teachers certified under the new regulations. (Source: SD Dep. of Education) Can Pennsylvania say the same?
Instead of engaging in ill-informed derision of other states about their response to federal regulations, Dr. Durtan should focus on his own job’s mandate: to make sure Wissahickon itself has as many qualified teachers as possible.