SADD Sells Spiked Punch at Semi
SADD officials, speaking on a condition of anonymity, revealed Sunday that one punch fountain at the Semi had been spiked to encourage drink consumption. In accordance with SADD principles, however, students drinking the alcoholic punch were urged to not drive home. "Punch consumption has declined rapidly in recent years," one official said. "It's as if students don't like our watered-down lemonade. So we decided to do something to encourage people to drink more." The effort was a great success. The spiked fountain had to be refilled a reported 23 times, compared to the normal fountain, which had to be refilled a paltry 2 times.
Surprisingly, SADD officials seem to have no qualms about their apparently hypocritical action. As one official put it: "We're students against drunk driving, not students against getting drunk. There's nothing in our principles that says you can't go out and get wasted on weekends - as long as you don't drive home."

Editor's Note:The two-week holiday/PJAS week poll ended today, and it looks like the activity students hate most when celebrating Thansgiving in class is in Social Studies, where the event is actually studied. Coming in with 36% of the vote, it barely edged out the Biology activity: "Apple Pie to ATP," which had 33% of the vote. The other two results tied with 15%: "Chem: Stoiciometry of Stuffing" and Math: "Turkey-Eating Derivative." With 33 votes, this poll was the most voted in to date. Polls may be biweekly more often in the future to allow for more voting. Story-posting will maintain its usual frequency.

ESP added to required skills for AP History Exam
In a shocking announcement last Monday, Education Testing Services (ETS), producer of the famed Advanced Placement exams, said that questions involving mind-reading of test creators would be included in this year's AP American History test. Questions such as "Which of the following events has had the most impact on American events today?" and "What was the most important document listed among the following?" will test students' ability to derive knowledge based on the thoughts and actions of test creators they have never heard of or met.
AP US teachers nationwide generally expressed satisfaction with the change. Famed WHS teacher Ivana Golf said that training in extra-sensory preception now would help students when they need to make use of it in college. She commented, "I find it shocking that kids come into AP US thinking they can just work really hard to succeed. AP US is much more of an interpretive class. You have to be able to interpret material according to the thought processes of others, produce quality assignments based off obscure requirements, and, yes, read your teacher's mind."
Mrs. Golf was able to test her students ESP skills on a recent major project, an annotated bibliography. "I thought for hours and hours about how students should sort their bibliography into primary and secondary sources," she said. "Anyone with even the most rudimentary ability to read minds should have been able to understand." Unfortunately, the results were somewhat disappointing. None of the students sorted the bibliographies according to the mental specifications. Observed Mrs. Golf, "This is really bad. If this trend continues, I might just have to start giving instructions verbally."

Superintendent Refuses to Cancel School, Slips On Ice
Dr. Durtan, superintendent of WSD and reputed sith lord, was hospitalized Friday after serverely damaging his tailbone when he slipped on ice outside the district office. The injury came in the wake of a series of strong rejections by Durtan of appeals to cancel school. Just hours earlier, Durtan had issued a public statement: "School will proceed as scheduled today. There is no threat of transportation danger. The slippery conditions of which parents seem to be complaining are largely non-existent." Even in the hospital, Durtan refused to relent from his stance. In an email to the staff, he said, "My own personal incompetence at walking should not be construed as to reflect a lack of ability on the part of students and faculty to drive or walk themselves. I have every confidence that all WSD members will return safely home sometime in the next 10 hours."

NHS Students Pledge Soul to School
Last Wednesday, the 116 students of the WHS National Honor Society gathered for their induction. In a ceremony filled with pomp and circumstance, the students processed into the auditorium, listened as teachers were honored, and watched as symbolic candles were lit. Then, following this, came the crowning moment of the night: the recitation of the NHS oath. “I pledge to give unsparingly of my spiritual and physical energy to accomplish the aims of this society,” the students repeated. “Being aware that my eternal salvation depends upon my obedience to the officers of this club, I promise to serve them forever.” The president of the society concluded the oath with the traditional saying: “Now your souls belong to us.”
Some students expressed regret over the high spiritual price that induction required. “It took a lot of effort to get into this club,” one student said. “I already paid my ten dollar dues – now they want my soul too?”