Trojan Times To Hold “Happy” Meetings

Disappointed by the low turnout of articles and general lack of journalistic caliber in recent issues, the Trojan Times editors have spent their monthly meetings deriding the staff for their laziness and apparent illiteracy. However, this approach has shown few positive results. Article submission rates remain at all-time lows, and articles that are submitted still show a lack of comprehension of basic journalistic concepts.
In light of these developments, the editors have decided to embark on a different method. On Wednesday, they declared that all future meetings would be “motivational.” Said the Technology Editor, “I just got tired of watching everyone get all depressed at meetings. It shouldn’t matter if most of the people on our staff can’t form complete sentences. It’s our responsibility as editors to get people psyched up about writing.”
Special activities at the new and improved meetings include “gold star awards,” to be given out to those students who write more than three sentences, and “cheer sessions,” where the editors lead the staff in the recitation of positive slogans like “third-person: good! First-person: bad!” and “Raise the bar!”
In addition to the positive reinforcement, the meetings will also include aggressive tutoring sessions, in which editors will instruct needy staff members about the basics of subjects, punctuation, and spelling. Advanced staff will learn about quotes, pictures, and the intricacies of the club credit system.
All editors expressed excitement about the new method. “It’s been so long since I was really excited about a Trojan Times meeting!” one editor exclaimed. “I can’t wait to see the delighted faces on my staff!”

Editor's Note: Mailing List Launched
The Pelo Periodical Editorial Board announced today that it was launching a mailing list as its new primary distribution method. The website, http://peloperiodical.blogspot.com , would be maintained, but the mailing list will allow subscribers instant notification of new articles. (It will also allow the editor to see who is reading the paper.)

Just go to http://www.coollist.com , click on join a list (three down on the right side), and enter "peloperiodical" in the first box and your e-mail address in the second. Then check your email and activate your account. Feel free to enter fake information when you register. Soon you'll be receiving stories the moment they are posted! (Please be aware that this service is experimental at the moment. Changes may occur as it is evaluated) Enjoy the mailing list!

Lesbian Gropings Rise in Philadelphia, Still Nonexistent at WHS
In a report in the Sunday Inquirer, Philadelphia School District reported a large rise in straight-lesbian confrontations, as well as public displays of lesbian affection, within its high schools. However, Philadelphia suburbs reported zero incidents in the same period. While WHS administrators cheered the report, many male students were dissapointed by it. "Those Philly guys are so lucky," one jealous student commented. "They have a full gang of lesbians! What do we have? SAGA? Tolerance is all good, but it's not as exciting to watch." Other students failed to comprehend the problem. Said one, "So the lesbians make out. Then they fight straight girls at school. Why is this a bad thing?" WHS administrators remained firm in their stand, however. In a memo released over WTV, the principal assured parents that only heterosexual groping would be allowed in hallways.
State Senator Rick Santorum, when informed of the situation, attempted to put a moral perspective on the situation: "This isn't about freedom of expression. This about the sanctity of marriage. For the sake of the moral well-being of our society, making out between classes must be a privilege reserved for heterosexual couples only."