School Board Considers Adding Sideline Football, Slam Basketball to Comply with Title IX
At Monday's School Board Meeting, School Board officials declared that they would be seeking to add another girls sport to compensate for the low numbers of participation of female participation in athletics. This declaration came in the wake of a stinging report by WHS's committee to investigate Title IX compliance. "50.6 percent of the school population is female, but only 43.1% of the athletic population is. This discriminatory practice must be corrected," the report said. The committee recommended that a new sport be added to increase participation. "What we need to target is those girls that want to participate in sports but can't because of discrimination. Just because a girl doesn't like soccer, field hockey, water polo, golf, track, lacrosse, or cross country doesn't mean she isn't interested in sports. We just need to find a sport that these girls like," the committee chair explained. Some school board members were skeptical. Questioned one, "We've got seven sports. Are there any new sports left to offer?"
Apparently, there are. The committee's report listed 20 prospective sports that WHS could offer. Gym favorites, such as scooter hockey, handball, and dodgeball were recommended. Other recommendations were fishing, volleyball, pool, and slam basketball. "While we understand that few schools in the region or even in the entire country offer these sports," the report said, "we still believe that WHS should make a focused effort to add one or more of these recommendations to its athletic curriculum."

Editor's Note: The Pelo will not be updated over Spring Break. The editor has caught a case of Airplane Depressionitis and will be spending the week recovering.

Titanic Viewers Disappointed by Lack of Nude Scene
Editor's Note: This story is slightly out of date, due to the fact that it was originally submitted to the Trojan Times but was not published there.

Viewers of the WHS Musical “Titanic” expressed bitterness last Friday after seeing the performance and discovering that there was, in fact, no nude scene anywhere in the play. Said one student, “I saw the movie, and they showed like full frontal nudity there, so I was really looking forward to the play. But there wasn’t even partial nudity in this play. They didn’t even mention drawings of French girls!”
The Wissahickon Theatre Company performed the musical, based off the Broadway musical “Titanic,” on March 4, 5, and 6. Although it was very successful, marketing of the play labored under misconceptions about the musical’s similar to the popular 1997 movie. One of the film’s most famous scenes occurs when Jack, a poor artist played by Leonardo DiCaprio, draws Rose, a rich woman played by Kate Winslet, “like one of his French girls” – totally nude.
Many students, unfamiliar with the musical’s actual plot, were disappointed to see the scene cut. “I mean, some of those chorus girls are pretty hot,” one student quipped. “I didn’t want to miss a chance at seeing one of them nude, at school nonetheless! But it never happened.”
Previous viewers of the movie were also disappointed by the nonappearance of various other scenes: the “I’m flying, Jack!” moment, the submarine investigation of the sunken ship, and the spitting contest. Especially missed was the famous song, “My heart will go on.”
For some nude-scene hopefuls, this year was the third strike. As one put it, “ ‘The Mikado’ had a scene with ‘three little girls from school.’ ‘Les Misérables’ had a full dance number with whores. And then ‘Titanic’ – This had to be the year. But it just wasn’t meant to be.”
Still, viewers expressed high hopes for next year’s musical. “Maybe they’ll do ‘Oklahoma’ next year,” one student said. “I’ve heard some good thinks about country western girls…”

Airplane Depressionitis Epidemic Set to Peak Friday
Doctors performing check-ups at the WHS Health Fair on Thursday said afterwards that a "shocking number of students" had shown symptoms of "airplane depressionitis," a contagious, but usually silent disease that strikes people who have been deprived of an airplane flight for an extended period of time. The only known cure for the disease is a long flight to a relaxing vacation location, preferably during a school day. "It's very unusual," one doctor commented. "There is typically an increase in cases around spring break, but we've never seen such a large number of students infected at one time."
Faculty statisticians also added their input. "In terms of sheer probability, this is next to impossible. The quadratic regression model simply doesn't work," said one math teacher. A local chemistry teacher added, "To figure this out, we'd need a circular slide rule with a probability scale bigger than the one in my garage. And that's pretty big."
Some of the physicians attributed the epidemic to WHS's unusual policy of refusing excused absenses on half-days before holidays. "Extensive paperwork or annoying administration officials are known to induce symptoms of the disease," said one.