Editor's Note:It looks like way to many WHS students are still playing Pokemon, because 31% of readers said learning all 300 Pokemon names was the worse NHS quote for "If I were not at Wissahickon I'd..." In second was joining the WHS National Guard, with 25%. It looks like the Periodical is safe for the moment, because making a new fake newspaper is a distant third with 18%. Thanks for voting!

Editor's Note:Happy Thanksgiving to all, from the Pelo Periodical. Don't forget to read over the break!

Polygamous Semi-Dating Illegal at WHS, Guidance Department Declares
Gi Golo, a Senior at WHS, was indicted Thursday of "indecent conduct" when he was discovered to have asked two girls to the semi-formal. Said the Guidance Department, "Everyone knows that semi-dating is between one boy and one girl. By violating this basic social framework, this student has demonstrated total disregard for all morality. We will not condone this behavior in our school." When informed of the charge, Gi was shocked. "All I wanted to do was make two girls happy," he said. "I guess I'm going to have to disappoint them both now."
Other students did not take such a high-minded view of the situation. Said one classmate, "he's just a big pimp. He's extorting two vulnerable girls to make it look like he's all that." Another student added, "I can't even figure out how he pulled it off in the first place. I can't get one semi date, and he's already got two?"

AP Teacher Adds New Code Word to Grading System, Students Confused
WHS AP US Teacher Ivana Golf, famous for her succinct grading system based on the use of three one word statements - and, no, and "?" - shocked students on Tuesday by introducing a new word, "duh," when grading their most recent paper. Many students are confused as to the word's meaning. Said one, "I know that 'and' means I should have written more, and 'no' means that I was wrong, but what the heck does 'duh' mean? Is she just calling me stupid?' Another student added, "What exactly is 'duh' refering to: the actual information, the quality of the writing, or the intellect of the student?"
To make matters worse, the new word seems to have an irrational point value. While the previous three words had relatively constant point values - one point off for "and" or "?" and two for "no" - the new word seems to have a value similar to that of pi. One student, who is also taking AP Calculus this year, has been trying for days to figure it out. "I got a 86.8567...% on my research paper," he said. "Since I got 4 'nos' and two 'ands' on it, plus one 'duh.' I'm estimating the value, based on DeClaude's Rule of Average Deviation, to be somewhere between 3 and 3.3, but decimal is non-repeating so I can't get any closer."
Ms. Golf insists that the creation of the new word was critical to the well-being of her grading system. "I just felt that 'and' and 'no' weren't carrying the complete message across. I needed a word to convey my sentiments when a student writes something so blantantly obvious that I began to question his mental competence," she said. In light of the historic addition, some students speculate that more grading words are soon to come. Among the possible candidates are "huh," "doh," and "yeah, right."

Editor's Note:Get out our Polish dance shoes, because the 11/11 Poll has finished, and "Polka the Night Away" was voted as the stupidest JCC dance theme with a dominating 40%. Following in a close second were "A Night to Forget," "Not Quite the Prom," and "Yet Another Shakespeare Play."

Napoleonic Naves Loose Dodgeball Tournament; Declare Florida Trips, Announcements a "waste of time"
In a shocking and disappointing defeat last night at the first annual WHS dodgeball tournament, the Napoleonic Naves faculty dodgeball team lost pathetically in the 2nd round. Beaten by a group of freshmen and sophomores, most of the Naves were depressed, and some were even embarrassed. "It's just shameful," one faculty member commented. "We worked so hard, drilling every day, planning that car wash, even taking that Florida training weekend. But it's all for naught." Another added, "I spent the entire weekend in seclusion, just as Coach McKnight suggested, and look where it got me." Members of the victorious team, however, where ecstatic. Said the team captain, "This just proves that there's no substitute for good old youthful enthusiasm - not even district-funded training."

Editor's Note: Notice the new "Pass-it-on" button on the right. Use it to send this page to your friends. The Periodical is always looking for new readers!

Editor's Note: At the school board meeting this Monday, it looks like the club that students least expect Dr. Durtan to approve is the "pole-dancing club," with 34% of the vote. In a close second was "Future Anarchist Leaders of America" club, with 31%. "McKnights of the Round Table" and "Polish-American Awareness Club" tied for third with 15%. Keep on voting!

Reporter Investigates Nerdy Club, Finds Stupidity
Susan Heller, reporter for the Philadelphia Inquirer, visited WHS last Tuesday to investigate what many might term a geeky fascination: slide-rule club. The club meets weekly to learn how to use the slide-rule, a tool designed to assist in calculations before the invention of the calculator. Said Heller, "I expected this to be a rather intellectual club. After all, they're investigating a method that's been obsolete for at least 10 years." Unfortunately, an intellectual climate is most definitely not what she discovered. "From the very start, I knew something was weird," recounted Heller. "All the kids were telling really stupid jokes to one another and messing up simple calculations." Instruction went relatively smoothly, all though some students were rather sluggish. "It shouldn't take a kid 15 seconds to figure out that 2 times 2 equals 4!" she said.
The crowning blow came when one of the students got called down to the main office. "He went in the completely opposite direction. This is supposed to be one of the smartest kids in the school, and he can't even figure out where the main office is?!" she yelled.
Her story, set to be published sometime this week, is expected to reflect her dismal experience. Said Heller, "The photographer got some great shots of kids looking really confused. This should be a real easy story to write."

Wissahickon National Guard Ready for Deployment
In a showy ceremony on Monday's inservice day, the 1st Batallion of the Wissahickon National Guard declared itself offically ready for duty. Composed of 90% of Wissahickon Faculty, the new Army unit, headed by Commander McKnight, is poised to become a formidable fighting unit. Said McKnight, "With all the emphasis General Durtan has been placing on security for our district, I figured it was time the High School did something about it." Under McKnight's leadership, the once weak and untrained faculty has been transformed into a group of elite reserve forces. "It was tough," commented Drill Sergant Madden. "Some of the new recruits were really out of shape, and the veterans, well, they're just past their prime in terms of physical ability." Despite these formidable obstacles, two weeks of harsh boot camp before school and a series of "refresher" inservice days seem to have done their job. At the ceremony, all 50 members of the batallion demonstrated their skills in rifle, artillery, and hand-to-hand combat.
Not everyone, however, is happy about the new military-training that the faculty are receiving. As one WHS sophomore reported, "I was making fun of my math teacher in the hallway when he walked by, and he suddenly turned around and pulled out a .50 Desert Eagle revolver on me! I'm pretty scared now." Said another student, "My english teacher talked for half the class yesterday about the poetic beauty of an RPG missle launcher!" Commander McKnight, responding to such comments, replied, "I know militarism has increased slightly in our school, but it's price we have to pay if Wissahickon is going to do it's part to defend freedom."

Editor's Note: Thanks to all who voted in the 10/27 weekly poll. It appears that Dr. McKnight's next step will be drill downs in gym, at least according to 36% of voters. MREs replacing cafeteria food tied with the replacement of Trojan Man with G.I. Joe at 21%. Snipers shooting class cutters came in at a distant 3rd, with 13% of the vote. Make sure to vote again this week!

Dumb Kid Overjoyed as 29.5% is Rounded Up to 30%
On a nervous end-of-the-marking-period Friday when most students are praying that their borderline A's and B's will be rounded up, John (name changed), a Sophomore at WHS, was practically jumping for joy despite his failing grade. While he was expecting a pathetic 29.5% grade in Social Studies this marking period, his teacher informed him that he would, in fact, be recieving a whopping 30%. "I can't believe how lucky I am!" John yelled as he ran through the hallways, waving his grade sheet for all to see.
Unfortunately, John's new found sucess may have some social consequences. As one of John's "former" friends commented, "He's such a jerk, getting all smart and stuff. Just 'cause he got a 30 and I got a 25 doesn't mean he's better than me." John's girlfriend also seemed emotionally distraught by the incident. "He'll probably never talk to me again," she lamented. "He's going to hang out with his new 30% crowd for the rest of year. I bet he'll even go to college or something."
John's teachers seemed to have a more reasonable view on the situation. Said his Social Studies teacher, "While I'm happy that John is so enthusiastic about his grade, he's still failing the class by a full 35 percentage points. It's not like there's some new future opening up for him."