Health, War and Peace Classes to combine for "Battle of the Sperm" Reenactment

The Scheduling Department announced Friday that the "War and Peace" and 11th Grade Health Classes would be combining for the remainder of the year for a special seminar. Using the resources of both classes, students will complete an extensive analysis of the military implications of the struggle sperm make as they travel up the female reproductive system. "It's a match made in heaven," said Si Fiperv, a health class student who came up with the idea. "When our teacher told us how the millions of sperm battle it out past deadly acids and chemical attacks just to accomplish a single objective, it just sounded like a battle on the Eastern Front. I mean, this is better than the seige of Stalingrad!"
Teachers expressed equal enthusiasm. "The strategies that the sperm use are amazing. From clustering together to avoid the acid attack to working together to wear down the egg's lining, these sperm belong with Easy Company in terms of pioneering new battle tactics," said Hess Ianwannabe, the war and peace teacher. Most students, however, were apathetic at best. "It's a bunch of one-celled organisms swimming around! Who cares?" one commented.

Poll Shows Students Still Apathetic About Student Council

The bi/tri weekly poll that finished on Monday showed a shocking apathy among WHS students for all things government-related. Faced with the question, "Which Student Council issue is most important to you?" 50% of students chose "Change in the Change Machine. In second place was the bike rack, with 26%, and in third was Post-Prom funding, with 16%. With the comment section devoid of any alternative ideas, it appears that the most important issue for students is still the ability to exchange money for smaller bills at any time.

Pelo Renovates, Promises "Smart New Look, Same Dumb Content"

The Peloponnesian Periodical has redone its look, adding a fantastic new curvy design, courtesy of the hard work done by the staff of Blogger.com . Please notice the fancy new boxes on the side, including the relocation of the couter. Comments are now possible for individual articles. Just click the "comments" link on the bottom right of each article. The Pelo Editorial Board hopes you enjoy the changes and encourages you to use the new features to comment on them.

ETStapo Agents Seen By Many During AP Exams

The ETSapo, the infamous secret police of Educational Testing Services (ETS), were reported to be out in large numbers during last week's AP exams, according to eyewitness students and teachers. "They were everywhere!" one student recalled hysterically. "In the walls, in the ceiling, even in the bathroom. Everywhere!" Teachers who proctored the exams concurred. Said one, "Those men in the black suits and sun glasses in the back of the room sure didn't look like students to me." Experts blamed the recent increase in ETSapo sightings on the new, more stringent security restrictions that were put on tests this year. Students were forbidden from repeating multiple choice questions on the exam to anyone, at any time in the future. "Students who fail to follow these instructions," read the test, "will face serious consequences."
Those consequences are more serious than some students expected. Eight students were reported missing following the conclusion of the AP United States History Exam on Friday. ETS, when contacted about the mysterious disappearances, refused to either confirm or deny any role. "All we can say," said an ETS official, "is that those students are part of the 'final solution' to our security problems."

AP Test Preview Reveals: ETS employees are indeed Nazis
Last Saturday, Educational Testing Services (ETS), makers of the Advanced Placement tests, released a series of sample questions from its upcoming 2004 exams, due to be administered over the next two weeks. Teachers who reviewed the questions said that they confirmed what many students and teachers had already suspected: ETS employees are militiant members of the Nazi party. "It wasn't even subliminal," said one WHS history teacher. "Many of the questions blantantly implied the moral superiority of the Ayran race." Questions of especially questionable nature included this AP United States History Essay: "'The White Race must be purified.' Defend or refute this statement." AP US multiple choice questions also had a decidedly fasicist bent: "Which group was MOST responsible for the Great Depression? a) The Jews b) Homosexuals c) Catholics"
The Nazi philosophy appeared to have penetrated even into seemingly objective areas, like the AP Calculus Exam; the sample free-response problem asked students to calculate the volume of a swastika rotated around the y-axis. Said one math teacher, "It's shocking, really. I've been joking that ETS is a bunch of nazis for years, but never did I expect them to actually infuse right-wing propaganda into their questions!"