Chemistry Teacher, Darth Vader Lose Bid for Secretary

In a sedated press release on Monday, WHS chemistry teacher Cray Zeesongwriter and Darth Vader announced that they had failed in campaign for secretary of Student Council. "Despite our valiant attempts at organizing write-in campaigns, the established candidate still won. Thank you to all our supporters," Vader said. Zeesongwriter expressed regret and frustration about the outcome. "I wasn't really planning on running at all, but then all these students started writing me down. I really thought I had a chance," he kvetched. Students were also disappointed. "Darth Vader was by far the most qualified candidate," one student declared. "Just because he wasn't on student council before doesn't mean he can't do the job." "Sure, she [the ballot candidate] might have experience with writing," opined another, "but I bet she hasn't even seen a slide rule. And how can you possibly be secretary without knowing how to use a slide rule?"
The candidates seemed confused as to what they were going to do now that the campaign was over. Zeesongwriter said he would just go back to teaching. Vader said he would "just have to settle down in a galaxy far far away."

Students Report ETSapo agents to be German Secret Police

According to student response in the biweekly poll, the ETSapo agents present during AP Exams were in fact German Secret Police. However, a large minority of students thought they were ninjas, and a sizeable percentage selected Robots, Men In Black, and Brad Pitt Look-Alikes. Check out this week's poll - "What characteristic is most important in NHS officers?"

Theme Reader Gives 14 Straight "Excellent" Comments

11th Grade English theme reader Idontreal Lyread said on Friday that she was amazed how consistently excellent her students' themes were. "I'm really amazed," Lyread explained. "Many times, I'm just so impressed by a paper that the only thing I can write on it is 'excellent paper!' Sometimes I also write 'very good' for variety." Some of Lyread's students are so gifted that they have received "excellent paper" or "very good paper" on nearly every one of their themes. Said one gifted student, Euxnuy Eux, "I just can't believe how good I am. Sometimes I leave out a part of a theme, just to see what happens. But I guess the rest of the theme is just so incredible that the theme reader can't resist giving me an 'excellent paper!' anyway."
Othe students have complained that perhaps Lyread is simply taking the easy way out by not including more comprehensive comments. As one said, "It would be nice if she would write 'improve your conclusion' or something." Fellow theme readers have suggested that she might being using 'excellent' as some sort of default response to avoid actually thinking. Lyread discounts these comments. "They're just jealous of my stunningly gifted students. Just because my students write perfectly structured papers on every assignment doesn't mean I'm any less competent."

Theme Reader Gives 14 Straight "Excellent" Comments

11th Grade English theme reader Idontreal Lyread said on Friday that she was amazed how consistently excellent her students' themes were. "I'm really amazed," Lyread explained. "Many times, I'm just so impressed by a paper that the only thing I can write on it is 'excellent paper!' Sometimes I also write 'very good' for variety." Some of Lyread's students are so gifted that they have received "excellent paper" or "very good paper" on nearly every one of their themes. Said one gifted student, Euxnuy Eux, "I just can't believe how good I am. Sometimes I leave out a part of a theme, just to see what happens. But I guess the rest of the theme is just so incredible that the theme reader can't resist giving me an 'excellent paper!' anyway."
Othe students have complained that perhaps Lyread is simply taking the easy way out by not including more comprehensive comments. As one said, "It would be nice if she would write 'improve your conclusion' or something." Fellow theme readers have suggested that she might being using 'excellent' as some sort of default response to avoid actually thinking. Lyread discounts these comments. "They're just jealous of my stunningly gifted students. Just because my students write perfectly structured papers on every assignment doesn't mean I'm any less competent."