Editor's Note: If you haven't noticed, stories at the bottom of the page have begun to disappear as more are added. You can view the whole list by clicking on the 10/1-10/31 Link on the side under archives.

2003 Honor Society Shows Record Amount of Slackers
School administrators and faculty were disappointed yesterday to discover the large amount of slackers in the 2003 National Honor Society. Mr. Schwartz, the faculty sponsor, commented on the situation in his opening speech at the first meeting. "I congratulate you all on being the leaders of our school in scholarship, leadership, service, and character...oh who am I kidding? 90% of you are lazy bums! I saw at least four of you doing the application form the period before it was due, IN MY CLASS!" Other members of the faculty selection staff joined in Mr. Schwartz's dismay. Said one, "I know some NHS members may be shocked to know this, but 'throwing away your trash at lunch' does not qualify as service to the community!" And on the leadership issue: "'Captain of Counter Strike Clan' isn't exactly the level of leadership we're looking for."
Unfortunately, the level of laziness in NHS does not seem to be a phenomenon unique to this year. The NHS treasury has virtually no money in it, and a new $10 fee is being charged for club membership, according to the club's officers, "because last year's members were bums too."

Editor's Note: The results of the 10/20 Weekly Poll are in! In response to the question, "What is your favorite Drieger story?" 45% selected the "Ice Worms" story. Following this was a 33% vote for various other stories, including the Amish, fire ants, "Lucky Linde," and the entire 19th century. The 'Hiroshima Fly By' and 'World's Fair Hitchhiking' tied at 8% for a distant 3rd. Thanks to all who voted! Be sure to check out the new poll for this week.

Misunderstanding Over "Chewie" Cookies Leads to Sexual Harassment Charge
What started out as a simple attempt to sell fundraiser cookies turned to a sick and disturbing incident on Monday when Susan (name has been changed), a ninth grade student in the Wissahickon Marching Band, received several derogatory remarks from an anonymous Senior. "All I did was ask him if he wanted some "Stewie's Chewies,'" Susan said, tears streaming down her face. "Then he started saying things like 'Chewies for a dollar? You cheap whore!' I was so confused. When he started looking at me funny, I ran away."
When she informed her parents of the incident, they immediately called the police. Sgt. Michael Smith leads the task force assigned to investigate. Commented Smith, "Apparently, Susan's prospective client mistook the offer of "Chewie" cookies for the common high school slang term for oral sex. Even though the mistake appears to be genuine, it doesn't give the senior the right to harass any innocent girl." The unnamed senior faces up to 2 years in prison and a $5,000 fine.
Response among the students and faculty of WHS has been mixed. One senior commented, "All the man was tryin' to do was get some quality chewie! Give him a break!" Others offered harsher condemnation. "A girl's chewies are hers and hers alone to sell or give away as she sees fit. No one has the right to take that ownership away," said a statement from fourth period Political Science class.
There are no plans to halt or alter the cookie sale because of the investigation, and it appears that Susan will make a full emotional recovery. When asked about her feelings on the incident, she remarked, "At least I'll get a guaranteed spot in Aura."

Administration Bans Lunch in Response to Boycott
In an unprecedented decision, assistant principal Mr. Madden announced Thursday that lunch would no longer take place at Wissahickon High School starting next week. The ban comes in the wake of a massive boycott against cafeteria food that was scheduled for Halloween. "It's clear from recent events that students no longer respect their lunch periods," said Madden. "Students need to realize that eating is not a right; it's a privilege. If students continue to abuse that privilege by bringing their own lunches to school, they don't deserve to have it anymore."

Depressed Kids Shocked as Happy Poem Gets in Aura

Depressed and unhappy students at WHS were shocked and dismayed yesterday upon receiving the latest issue of "Aura," the literary magazine. Known for it's frequent covering of topics such as self-mutilation, suicide, break-ups, pain and suffering, this issue of Aura was radically different from previous ones in that it contained a relatively happy poem, entitled "Think Positive Thoughts." "WTF where they thinking?" one typical depressed student commented. "They put in all this happy crap about thinking positively about life instead of my poem, 'Your suffering ends in death.' It's not like people read Aura to be happy anyway." Other students echoed this refrain. Said another, "I just broke up with my girlfriend, my band isn't popular, and I'm contemplating suicide. This happy kid's probably some rich preppy kid with a bright future. He just doesn't deserve to be mentioned in Aura."
On the other hand, teachers, students, and a broad spectrum of normal people expressed enthusiasm over the change. As one teacher said, "It's not like it's impossible for happy people to write." Some Aura members, speaking on a condition of anonymity, said that they "never really liked unhappy poems anyway."

Linguist Declares Lunch Lady Speak to be Dialect of Ancient Orcish
Peter Barnes, a visiting linguist from the Temple School of Arts and Humanities released a report Friday on the strange speech habits of the WHS lunch ladies, concluding an exhaustive four-week study. "This project is by far the most difficult I have ever undertaken," Barnes said. "I though this was going to be a simple analysis of English, but I soon found it to be much more complex." Apparently, lunch lady speak is so radically different from the language of the rest of the school that it can not even be classified as English. The characteristic deep grunts, mumblings, and growls of the lunch staff actually bear a much closer resemblance to another, more ancient tongue: Orcish. Comments Barnes, "I originally was leaning towards some form of Russian, or perhaps Urdu, but in the end only Orcish could accommodate the unusual grammatical structure."
Other members of Barnes' team hypothesize that linguistics might not be the only place that Orcish culture has influenced. According to the nutritional analyst, "Some of the cafeteria entrees bear a surprising resemblance to basic Orc dishes, such as the Na'Caruk, a popular Orcish casserole consisting of mashed cow dung and elf-carcasses."

Editor's Note:Please notice the new features that have been added to the Peloponnesian Periodical on the sidebar. Make sure to vote in the weekly poll and write letters to the editor. Enjoy!

Mr. Drieger: 'Actually, I've never left Ambler'

The famous substitute Mr. Drieger admitted in a shocking statement yesterday that all his fabulous adventures were, in fact, false. During 3rd Period last Wednesday, he confessed, "I'm sorry to disappoint you all, dear friends, but there's no such thing as an ice worm. I never saw the bombing of Hiroshima. I haven't served in the war of 1812. I've just been subbing in this same school for 40 YEARS!" Even his eagle scout badge was fake. "This string tie? I just picked it up off some street bum." Mr. Drieger also admitted that his true age was 83, thus making it impossible for him to have actually signed the Constitution, viewed Jesus' crucifixion, or killed a Stegosaurus.
The admission came as quite a shock to many students in the high school. "I always thought Mr. Drieger was the best soldier this United States ever had," one student remarked, "but I guess he's really just some generic old guy."

Central Office Secretary Reveals Dr. Durtan to be Sith Lord

In a confidential interview last week, central office secretary Jane Smith (name has been changed) revealed what many in the Wissahickon School District already suspected - that Dr. Durtan is an evil Lord of the Sith. "I thought he was wierd ever since he came," said Jane, "but when he started painting his face red and black, I knew something was up." Jane has also seen Dr. Durtan undergoing such strange rituals as meditation, chants, and levitation. Dr. Durtan's Sith background may explain his recent success at enacting controvertial policies, including the earlier school start date and the principal shuffle, without opposition. It is possible that he may be using his "force choke" power to force his opponents into submission.
Unfortunately, Wissahickon seems to have little hope for ridding itself of this menace. Most school board members cower in the face of the overwhelming power of the dark side, and the nearest Jedi Knights reside in a galaxy far, far away.

New Poll Finds 100% of Students Aware of Black Students, AAAC Disbands

At yesterday's meeting of the African-American Awareness Club, all members voted unanimously to dispand upon discovering that 100% of the student body is already aware from the African-American community at WHS. "What the heck were we thinking?" a club member, who asked to remain anonymous, remarked, "What kind of moron doesn't know we have black kids in the school?" In an official statement by the club president, a more positive spin was put on the situation: "Racism can't be stopped if we don't face it head on, and the first step to combating racism against African-Americans is discovering they exist. Today, we know that step has been accomplished." Some students are considering diversifying into other race clubs to fill the new void. As one ambitious student said, "Just think of all the minorities in our school that no one knows about! For instance, did you that there's at least 20 Middle-Eastern kids in the school? Shocking, but true!"

'One Slime' Overtakes Snowcraft in Computer Class Timewasting Poll

Wissahickon IT Department Officials revealed in a statement last week that One Slime is now the most popular game to play behind teachers' backs. In an arena formerly dominated by such shockwave games as "Snowcraft" and "Pong," the new internet filter blocking all webpages that contain the word "game" has rapidly created limited the options for time-wasting. 'One Slime,' one of the only games on the internet that is not blocked by the filter, is often the only game available for students to play. "It's a shame," said one anonymous WHS slacker, "I used to be able to play every game on shockwave.com during Computer Applications. Now I the only option I have is One Slime."
However, many students don't seem to mind. 'One Slime' has many levels, and a large portion of computer class students are dedicating increasing portions of their class time in an attempt to beat the fabled "Pyschoslime." One such crusader remarked, "While I may only be able to get past Red Slime right now, I'm sure Psychoslime will be submitting to my superior skill by second marking period!"

Band Cult Communes for Mass Gathering

In a strong showing of band brotherhood, hundreds of band geeks gathered yesterday for the annual Instumental Cultists of America meeting. Wearing marching band uniforms of all shapes and sizes, they reaffirmed their key vows: to date no one outside the band, to have no social life outside of band, to love one's instrument above all else. They then vowed to drive all the un-band infidels into the sea. Following this collective show of unity, the gathering rapidly degenerated into a series of jam sessions, flutist story tellings, and make out sessions in the backs of readily available buses.

Secret Investigation Reveals - SAGA has no real gays

In a shocking study released last week by the School Board, high ranking officers and faculty sponsors revealed what many already suspected - that there aren't really any gay people in the Straight and Gay alliance. The club, which was founded based on the cause of improving gay-straight relations, has found very few people to negotiate with.

Homecoming Parade 2003: Attendance Triples to 9

Organizing officials of the 2003 Homecoming Parade rejoiced on Friday night upon discovering the dramatic increase in attendance. "Look at all the people here! This must be like 300% more than last year!" one student remarked. The band, cheerleaders, and homecoming court all were happy to see the increase in the crowds. One of the homecoming nominees remarked, "after last year's dismal turnout of three, I just couldn't handle the turnout this year! I'm so popular!" Over the past three years, the parade has shown remarkable growth. Begining with a one person crowd in 2001, the parade attendance has since trippled to 3 in 2002, and then tripled again this year to 9. The planning commitee is enthusiastic about next year. The chairman commented, "Heck, with results like this, we might even break 20 in 2004!"

Welcome to the Peloponnesian Periodical, a collection of news stories that for one reason or another can't be published in the school paper. Some are inappropriate. Some are untrue. And others are just plain stupid. So sit back and enjoy the perils of freedom of speech!