Sam Screws up Note

Viewers were shocked Thursday when star singer Sam Shewie sang one note slightly, but flagrantly, out of tune. Sam was the first to point out the mistake, saying, "ARRGH! That one note in the second transition was almost a full half-step off. That was horrible!" Audience members, at first wowed by the acting, singing, and overall perfection of Sam's performance, changed their minds quickly when they were informed of the mistake. "I thought Sam was perfect!" one person commmented. "I guess he's just normal like everyone else." The screw-up may have future implications on his career choice. Scouts from the Boston and Curtis Institute of Music both expressed signs of regret. As one said, "I guess he's just like all the other nearly perfect performers. We can only take the best." This rejection paints a major stigma on one of Sam's major talents. Without a career in singing, Sam may be forced to pursue a lowly career in the field of writing, acting, instrument-playing, or arranging.

Blind Wissahickon Student Unable To Find Nurse's Office After Buring Ear

Did you see sophomore Ike Antsy carried out of the school on a stretcher to visit the emergency room last week?

No? Well, neither did he – because Ike is blind. He came to our school midway through his freshman year in hopes of augmenting his previous home school education with some public education classes. In this new environment, Ike’s mother would be unable to constantly supervise him anymore, but Ike thought he was prepared to survive on his own.

Sadly, however, he apparently was not. After severely burning his ear in a family and consumer science class (he later claimed that he mistook the iron for a nearby ringing phone) he ran to the nurse in search of medical attention. As Ike ran down B-hallway towards the nurse’s office, he was distressed to discover that he had no idea where to turn. The clearly labeled sign-language letter signs, while helpful to most deaf and hearing students, were of little use to poor blind Ike. In desperation, he ran his hand along the wall until it ended and L-Hall began. Once in A-hall, he began to search for doorways and their accompanying brail-augmented signs. However, the scattered placement of doors and the varying heights of brail signs forced Ike to move slowly, frantically running his hand up and down the entire length of the wall.

At last, Ike reached a sign which he believed read “nurse.” It was later tragically discovered that he had in fact entered a janitor’s closet, mistaking the protruding English letters on the top of the sign, which apparently read very similar to “medical” in brail when touched, with the actual brail letters alone. Ike staggered around alone in the closet for about an hour until a janitor came by to pick up a hydraulic pump. After observing the badly burned blind kid in the closet, though, he ran down to the main office and called 911.

By this time, Ike’s injuries had past beyond the early treatment window. Doctors did their best to help him, but Ike’s left ear is likely to remain badly scared and deaf for the rest of his life. He is expected to be released from the hospital sometime this week.

While saddened by his injuries, Ike remains confident about the future. He hopes to make the best use of his remaining sensory organs – his right ear, nose, and mouth, to continue his studies in family and consumer science. He hopes to one day become the first blind Iron Chef. Wissahickon School District officials have promised Ike their full support in his endeavors and have taken measures to prevent future accidents by blind students: brail labels reading “not a phone” have been added to all irons, brail letters have been added to the hallway signs, and a high-pitched bell that beeps at regular intervals has been installed near the nurse’s office to assist future blind students in locating it.

*NOTE: Comments are now easier to use. Please try them!
*NOTE: I have been advised that a person can not actually deafen themselves with an iron. I don't care.

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Montco Disappointed By Lack of Early Decision Candidates

Montgomery County Community College, "internationally renowned" for its educational program, was saddened to announce Friday that it had so far recieved only 2 early decision candidates, one of whom was accepted. Said Admissions Officer Wal Lahbingbang, "The University of Pennsylvania had thousands of candidates, but we couldn't even break 10. What have they got that we don't?" The Financial Office also expressed reget: "Most schools see a large increase in donations around admissions time, some from parents hoping to 'grease the wheels' for their students. We ended up losing money on the admissions process, because both of our candidates used envelopes with postage paid by us." Still, admissions officers were optimistic about the coming year. "We're a very selective school," Lahbingbang said. "So far, we've only admitted 50% of applied students. We desperately wanted to admit more students, but we just don't have space for students with SATs below 220." She later added, "Well, actually, he might get in during regular admission."

Floor Seating 'Illegal' According to Administration

All Jeni wanted to do was sit on the ground outside the upstairs cafeteria and eat her lunch. She wanted to sit with her friends, and there were not enough tables inside for them to sit together. So she and her friends sat outside in the hall, peacefully eating their lunch, happy and content.
Apparently, Mr. Bauer does not like happy students eating their lunch. At least, that this the opinion he appeared to have when he dictatorially forced Jeni and her friends to abdicate their hallway space and move to (non-existent) cafeteria seats. Jeni, in hopes of reclaiming her trampled dignity, emailed Mr. Bauer in hopes of resolving the situation. According to Jeni, "he responded like an hour later with just like... 'stop by to discuss this matter.' and im like... yeahwtf."

WTF indeed. It is a sad day when full cafeteria seating is more important than rational decisions. For the sake of student dignity, Mr. Bauer, please let the students of Wissahickon back onto the floor.

Wissahickon Forms "Drunk" League for Suspended Students

Wissahickon Athletics Department officials announced Thursday that they were forming a new "Drunk League" designed to accommodate the large number of student athletes that were removed from traditional teams after being caught drinking at Homecoming. "We've had captains, star players, and even equipment managers suspended on these drinking charges," Athletic Director Eneb Riated said. "We've got some of our best athletic talent sitting on the sidelines because of a little alcohol. I know the rules say they need to be suspended, but does that mean they shouldn't be able to play at all?"
Currently, at least 10 students have been removed from normal teams. The total may be higher, but privacy issues prevent a full record from being released. Still, even with that small number, Riated says the players are versatile enough to field multiple teams. "And without the nuisance of school," - all of the players have also been suspended from school for at least a week - "we'll be able to practice as much as we want," he added. Drinking will be allowed at games and practices, but coaches will make sure the players "keep it low-key." "In the end," Riated concluded, "we felt like the permanent suspension was really going to destroy these students' futures. 'A little alcohol and your future goes down the drain' - is that really the message we want to send to our kids? We at the Athletic Department think not."

Publishing Resumes!

I tried to stay away. Planning spirit week, dealing with the administration, and editing for the Trojan Times all should have kept me from making fun of the school. But over the past few months, numerous events have continued to invite, nay, demand, ridicule. And so I will resume writing again, hopefully on a weekly basis. Enjoy.

Chemistry Teacher, Darth Vader Lose Bid for Secretary

In a sedated press release on Monday, WHS chemistry teacher Cray Zeesongwriter and Darth Vader announced that they had failed in campaign for secretary of Student Council. "Despite our valiant attempts at organizing write-in campaigns, the established candidate still won. Thank you to all our supporters," Vader said. Zeesongwriter expressed regret and frustration about the outcome. "I wasn't really planning on running at all, but then all these students started writing me down. I really thought I had a chance," he kvetched. Students were also disappointed. "Darth Vader was by far the most qualified candidate," one student declared. "Just because he wasn't on student council before doesn't mean he can't do the job." "Sure, she [the ballot candidate] might have experience with writing," opined another, "but I bet she hasn't even seen a slide rule. And how can you possibly be secretary without knowing how to use a slide rule?"
The candidates seemed confused as to what they were going to do now that the campaign was over. Zeesongwriter said he would just go back to teaching. Vader said he would "just have to settle down in a galaxy far far away."